I had a mini breakdown last night. I tried to reassure my fiance that I'm recovered. She just kept saying she doesn't understand. I ended up screaming at her to leave me alone because I couldn't explain anything. But I think she knows that things aren't okay. What she doesn't know is that when she tries to talk to me about it, I want to never eat again.

I might be going to work at the same company as her. Just different crew. I hope I get it.

b- coffee (80)
s- rice cakes x 2 (100)
l- rice cakes x 2 (70)
s- crystal light x 2 (20)
d- almost half a package of noodles (200)
total- 470

I think I was 148 this morning. Tomorrows my birthday, I'm really excited to go to the zoo. Kind of childish, I know. But lots of walking! I'm not excited for cake though.

I'm so FAT.
I feel like 200 pounds.
Yesterday I decided on just eating jello, rice cakes, and crystal light.
No way I could go over 500 with that.
But I can't make myself eat.
All I can think about is fat.
In my head I scream at myself that I'll never be skinny if I eat now.
I've had coffee with no-calorie sweeteners and a little crystal light.
I want that empty feeling, I want my stomach to gnaw at me,
growl and turn in on itself, eat away at itself.

I don't want to turn 19 on Saturday.
When I was a kid, I swore by the time I turned 19 I would be skinny.

Such a failure. Such a lazy, fat, goddamn failure.

I just finished reading Skinny by Ibi Kaslik. It was alright. Now I'm a bit more than halfway through Massive by Julia Bell. It's great, and I can relate more. Because the girl starts out fat. Like me.

I want to lay in a bathtub full of hot water and never eat again. I want to lay in bed and sleep away my hunger pangs. I want to run around the block for 3 hours, but I'm afraid the neighbors looking out their windows will wonder why a fat girl is even bothering to run. I'm afraid they will see my stomach jiggle, or my tits bounce. I dream that I cut my breasts off and suck in my stomach and look like a pole. I dream that I can deflate my belly like a beach ball and turn it concave, beautiful.

But when I wake up I'm still like this, bloated, lazy, thick thighs, muffin top hips, chipmunk cheeks.
I hate myself.

I want to cry all the time but I know that would be weak. I can't weigh myself or I know I'll break down. I told my fiance I don't want to go to a restaurant on my birthday, so we aren't. We're going to the zoo. I'm going to walk around for as long as I can to burn calories. Then she's making me cupcakes. And tofu. I think about puking. But that would be cruel.

Can anyone inspire me, give me advice, help me, anything? I'm so lost..

CW: 144

intake:
b- special k with (ew) regular milk (280?)
s- coffee (80)
l- soup (80)
s- tba
d- tba

I binged. Freaked out. Broke down. Wanted to puke but couldn't because my fiance was minutes from coming home. And every single calorie I consumed will be turned into fat because I just got off a fast.

But so what. I'm a fat fuck. And now I'll pay the price and weigh a bunch more tomorrow.

CW: 145

Hours:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

Soo... I've kind of dug myself into a hole, with lies. My cousin sees me in the morning up until 4:30pm then goes to work, then around 6pm my fiance gets home from work. So I tell my cousin that I wait till my fiance gets home to eat. And I tell my fiance that I ate earlier with my cousin. Hopefully either one of them wont ask the other if I ate, but I doubt they will...

Another thing is, my fiance brought up my eating disorder that I "recovered" from. The thing is, I was killing myself with it, and she almost left me because she was scared. I was really sick. She said if I ever went back to it, she wouldn't leave me. She would try to ignore it, and probably would go back to doing drugs to get it off her mind. So I can't let her find out. If she went back to drugs, it would be all my fault...

Pit of lies for me...

On another note, I think this will be my last day of fasting. I hope I'm down to 144 by tomorrow. I need to eat tomorrow, small amounts, so that I have the energy to run. I'm harsh hypoglycemic, plus I'm anemic. I could collapse if I went for a run while fasting. I've done it before, haha.

side note* My fiance weighs 125, which means she lost weight. She used to be 135. I can't wait to be smaller than her, it kills me.

I have 10 days (including today) to lose 7 pounds. Then on May 23rd I turn 19! This will be my lowest weight in a long time, and this time I'm keeping it off!

And from today I have 2 months and 18 days to lose 30 pounds, that's when I go back to the coast to visit friends and family, and I want to be my goal weight: 115. I'm so excited, I hope I can do it!